CamdenJames.com
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I had a little girl who wasn't even a year old yet and two stepdaughters who were 8 and 10. Finding out about Camden was such a nice surprise. We all started thinking about a little boy, how different it would be and how dad wouldn't seem so out numbered. The plans began and I could see my husband's joy as he talked about the things he wanted to do with his son. I remember countless conversations about what he was going to look like and what he would be like. I wanted everything to be ready for him so along the way I picked up his blankets, bottles, bibs, binky's, onesies, diapers, clothes, set aside his first outfit and even bought some matching shirts that he and his daddy could wear.
Towards the end of my pregnancy we were all so anxious. I went to the Doctor's for a regular checkup. I go to a practice that has two doctor's and we are encouraged to see both because there is no telling which will deliver. I saw the doctor that delivered my daughter and had mentioned how my due date which was April 16th was coming up soon where apon he informed me that he would be away that week but would induce me on the 10th if I wanted. He said that I would go in at 7:00 a.m. and have a baby by lunchtime. That sounded pretty good to me so I planned on that date and had told everyone I would be getting induced. I thought more about it as time went on and gathered different opinions but it wasn't until I met with my other doctor that changed my mind. He told me that there could be complications with inductions, how there should be a good reason to be induced and convience isn't one of them. He said it is always best to let the baby come on his own. Even though I might be getting uncomfortable, natural is by far the best way. It made me feel like getting induced early was a selfish choice and I knew that I could never chance his safety. I thought about how my daughter was nine days late and maybe he needed a little extra time as well. I felt like getting induced early was the wrong choice never knowing that decision would be my biggest regret.
On April 17th at about 9:00 p.m. my daughter was asleep and I laid down ready to spend some time with my son... He was so active and he usually started around that time. He liked to keep me up at night. For the first time, I didn't feel any movement, but I did have some cramping and felt like I was going into labor soon. I thought maybe he was quiet because of that but I was still nervous and felt a bit uneasy about it so I looked in a book I had about fetal monitoring and what to do if it slowed down or was hard to detect. Then I felt him move or maybe I just thought that I did because I wanted to so badly. I even remember calling my mother and telling her that I felt better because I had felt him... Within a few hours I am on my way to the hospital. Everything seemed okay now because I was in active labor and knew he would be coming soon. I arrived at the hospital shortly after 2:30 a.m. on Thursday April 18th. I got situated and the nurse had come in and said I was five centimeters dialated. I was happy, I thought I am half way there, it was going much faster then it did with my daughter. The nurse was having alot of trouble finding his heartbeat and I started to feel uneasy again but not at all prepared for what was going to happen next. I knew something was wrong but as his mother I didn't let myself think the worst. It was taking too long and she seemed too nervous, she kept saying the doctor will be here soon. My doctor came in and did an ultrasound to see what was going on. I could now tell something was very wrong, it was like he was hesitating, trying to find the words to tell me my son was gone. It was written all over his face but I still needed to hear those words because I wouldn't believe it otherwise. When he turned and said my baby's heart had stopped it hit me like a ton a bricks and my world as I knew it came crashing down. How could I carry a healthy baby for 40 weeks and lose him in an instant. I looked at my doctor and said now I have nothing, I don't have my son. I should have never changed my mind. As I saw a tear in his eye I knew he felt remorseful about talking me out of my plans to be induced. In my heart I know that he gave me advice that he felt was in the best interest of my son and I took it for that same reason but it doesn't change the guilt I feel or the frustration that maybe things could have been different had I chose the other way. I wish I wasn't faced with a choice to make for him. My first decision for his well being, I thought it was the right one, I didn't see how I could go wrong. Then I struggled with whether there was more I could have done, like getting to the hospital quicker. I thought I failed him in everyway, he lost his life inside of me, I couldn't protect him and that is a hard reality. With some convincing from my doctor I did realize that an accident that ocurred in seconds took my son's life and nothing that I could have done would have changed that. So I try not to replay it over and over again and battle the what if's..
